Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
