my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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