guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
