this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
