Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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