Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
