how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you didnt know i had herpes?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
