OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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