Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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