Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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