Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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