I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Why did my mother make you get naked?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
