If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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