I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
