At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
