I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
