Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
