So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
