I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
