Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
