is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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