he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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