planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
