she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
i think i just lost a toe
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
