Got a toothbrush?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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