That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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