guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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