Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
