I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
