you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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