party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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