who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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