dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
