You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
