I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
