dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
