So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
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