somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
