THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I'm passing your future prison.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
