I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
she looked like the before picture.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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