Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
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