Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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