Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
