i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
