seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
