My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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