alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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