I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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