Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your cock deserves a montage
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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