Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
